So tomorrow is an important day of sorts.
As far as the springcleaning of skeletons in my closet goes, c’est le moment.
I guess when I went through things I never thought I would go through in this one lifetime, the bumps and shocks opened a side of myself I never thought I would see at the same time.
I’ve always known I was a mechanically and practically strong person – tough as nails on the outside and maybe not so much inside. But this has awakened some sort of strength I never thought I had – that which comes from the inside and from the voices of the ones around me.
As Mister I stood there, unexpectedly shaggy-haired for someone in such a profession and clutching his briefcase of notes that was a most unusual variation of camel, he told me what I consider one of the wisest things I will ever hear in my life.
You need to realise that you have to do this. And no matter how difficult it will be getting there, you need to remember you are saving not just yourself. You are doing the right thing and you need to see this through to the end.
I’m told that a lot of people give up along the way, long before they can see fruition of what needs to be done. Some people throw in the towel because of how messy and arduous the whole process gets, others don’t want to recount their stories over and over, and yet even more soften and think that it will be okay anyway.
At the beginning I just went about the challenging notions in a daze, becoming more defeated every single time I found myself approaching a speed bump. But as I became more familiar with what went on, as I read more about the mega system and the stories of the many who went before me, I went to bed knowing in my heart that I have to push this one straight to the end. I woke up feeling the same way and I’ve not looked back since.
In Sliding Doors, James tells Helen:
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
I can’t even begin to tell you how much truth there is in this. You think you know someone, but you never really know a person until that somebody is ‘put through situations of extreme stress, facing intense emotions and situations beyond control’. One of my best friends S wrote this after what happened to me, and she is absolutely right. It is then, she says, ‘that our determination to hang on to our humanity emerges’.
I never expected this to happen, but hey, when it did, I saw right through everything. Crystal clear. How wrong it was from the time it started to veer off the course of normalcy, and how right I was to have stood by my first decision to get myself out of this.
The clincher is, I know he never expected me to be able to carry this right to the end. To do what I have to do for myself, for everyone who loves me, and for every single person who does not deserve to be dealing with such deliberated cruelty. Just like he never expected me to up and stay away in the first place.
But you know, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.